Evaluating Friendships

I remember promising my best friend in eighth grade that she would be in my wedding. I haven’t spoken a word to her since I was fifteen.  I promised my high school bestie that we would live in the same town, on the same street, and our children would be best friends just like us. We stopped talking in the middle of our senior year.  My two best friends from my freshman year of college are the two most important friends I have made in my life, but I think all three of us are very realistic that we will never be roommates.  Our children will probably be raised in different cities.  Our husbands will not go to the bar on friday nights while we drink mint julips and gossip. As we grow up, and take care of ourselves and our own priorities, it’s difficult to maintain everything in the past.

Just because something once was golden and glorious and full of love and joy, doesn’t mean that it can easily continue.  Just because you were forced to spend five days a week with someone, and happened to get along with them, doesn’t necessarily bind the two of you together for life.  Yes, cutting yourself off from people is scary, and it sucks, but what I am currently going through, I know it’s for the best.

One of my current best friends, whom I’ve been friends with since high school, is acting in a way that I am just realizing isn’t benefitting me at all.  We became friends because we both had similar goals, participated in the arts, and had some classes together.  Three years later, we’re gripping a friendship that was built on a solid foundation, yet at this current moment, I can’t say that we have grown into a beautiful relationship, that a three-year relationship should have.  She doesn’t know my secrets or demons.  She isn’t sensitive to my anxiety, and makes me feel even more uncomfortable about it, to the point that I just don’t tell her anything at all.  How can I label someone my best friend if they can’t handle all there is of me.

Obviously, I still like her.  I just can’t be as close or trusting towards someone that devalues my personal problems.  I don’t want to be in competition with her.  I just want to be able to confide in her without worrying that she thinks I’m being dramatic.  FYI: That’s the least comforting thing to hear during a panic attack.

It would be entirely different if we had decided to leave the darkness in our lives hidden from each other, however, that’s not the case. She is allowed to call me at any hour of the day no matter how miniscule the situation. It’s heartbreaking to know that I care deeply for someone who could blink twice and not realize I’ve left her peripherals.

As usual, I’m less disappointed in her, and more in myself.  I’m horrible when it comes to confrontation.  I would never be able to tell her that her insensitivity to my biggest insecurity bothers me as much as it does.  I am evaluating a lot of my friendships.  Who is really there for me? Who is going to sit with me and listen to pointless stories about my childhood? Who is going to listen to the darkest tales I have in my book? Who is going to be willing to care for every inch of me, no matter how vague, or sad, or personal, or deep, or uncomfortable it gets.  I want someone to care for me the way I care for them.  I don’t know that I can have a friend who is so wrapped up in their problems, that mine get shoved under the rug.

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