It’s terrifying. How the hell did I actually get this job? All of my friends booked internships in big cities answering phones and making copies for agents, and here I am holding a camera and mic as creative director of my own documentary. AND I’m getting paid. I am a lucky duck. Also a scared duck. And nervous.
The first second that I internalized that I had this job, I was ecstatic. Overjoyed. After a few days, over a period of weeks, and right now, I have an abundance of nerves. I’m terrified of messing up. My producer has an idea of what he wants, but what if I can’t deliver? What if my interpretation doesn’t match his? He tells me not to worry as much as I am, but you have to understand, I am a worrier.
I’m glad that I get to experience this now, where I can make the mistakes, and learn through trials, and truly experience making this doc from pre production to the advertisement after the final cut. It’s just a lot for a 21-year old girl with not a whole lot of production under her belt. Every move I make is strategic. I’m trying so hard to not mess up, that I constantly feel like I’m messing up. My producer is kind and keeps me calm. He allows me complete freedom, and is only giving me freedom. Unfortunately, I love structure.
I am blessed and lucky and truly thriving at what I am doing, buy my nerves and perfectionist mentality is keeping me on my toes, which is good. I never imagined this opportunity thrust upon me at this point in my life. I hope that I can manage to create a good story that audiences will be curious about. We’ll see. Time will tell. I need a drink.