Watching Divorce on TV

I know I’m late to the party, but I only recently started watching Mad Men.  Last night, while my boyfriend and I were bingeing on some more Don Draper, the divorce scene happened. (It was either the last episode of season 3 or the first of season 4, I’m not sure.)

Divorce is common. So common, in fact, that my parents divorced! (And plenty of other parents that I know.) I don’t think that I’ve watched a divorce on a screen before, or on a stage, or anywhere. It immediately brought me back to that dreadful night when my parents pulled me and my siblings into the living room to tell us the news.  That single scene pulled up emotions that I’ve shoved so far deep inside of me, that they haven’t seen light since that night in the living room.

The divorce was extremely hard on me, and I never talked about it with anyone. I didn’t tell my friends or teachers, and refused a therapist.  I didn’t know how to handle it. I really started evaluating my relationships I was involved in. I retreated into a shell and I still remain there.

Five years later, after talking to no one about the divorce ever, I have to watch Don and Betty tell their kids that their dad is moving out.  It shared the tone, the dialogue, the emotion, the darkness, and the heartache I remember feeling the night I learned my parents were divorcing.  The scene did what it was supposed to do. It evoked an emotion in me that I didn’t think could be touched.

Divorces aren’t the end of the world. Relationships are tarnished all of the time. I think I was always hopeful that my parents, as well as all the relationships around me were never going to go sour.  That wasn’t fate, though.

I don’t know if this means I’m ready to talk. I sure should be after five years, but I just don’t know what to say. I ache with a sadness  because I am uneasy with how things turned out. I can’t change what has happened, but I still am affected.

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