For the past 22 years, all that I have known is how to go to school from August to May with a brief summer break squeezed in. Come May, I will no longer be doing the whole school thing. (No grad school, yet.)
This time last year, I wanted nothing more than to be an adult and living my life and not being confined to dorm rooms, on campus dining, and lecture halls. Now that I’m less than three months from graduation, I’m gradually becoming more terrified.
My biggest concern is how to dress. How does a 22 year old girl dress for her “big girl” job without having to buy a pant suit. And I get it, I shouldn’t stress over this that much, but I am! Am I now too old for cute, floral rompers? Short pastel sundresses? Bows in my hair? I don’t want to put heels on every day! I don’t want to be old!
While I’m excited to live on my own and go grocery shopping (a true thrill for me), I am so scared that I won’t like my job. I’m terrified that I spent four years inspiring myself for the film industry only to be let down in the upcoming months. Very few people are supportive of my overall goals, and I cling to that support. Luckily I have an ego that will push me for a little while. I’m just scared.
And that’s just it. I don’t think I’m scared that I’ll hate film and writing and acting within the next year. I’m not scared to move to California. I’m not afraid of not being successful immediately. I’m just scared that I’m done with a major phase in my life.
It’s common knowledge that college students struggle with anxiety and depression, and this school year has definitely proved why. There’s a comfort in being in college. It’s like you’re waiting. I don’t have to have a job right now because I’m in college. I live in a dorm and don’t pay rent or for groceries because I’m in school. I value my education so much, and I know I’m gaining a lot by being here, but leaving here is terrifying.
It feels like I’m jumping off a high dive into a pool of opaque black. I’m not sure how deep I’m dropping, or if I’ll ever resurface, but I don’t have a choice. This is life. This is how it works. We go to school. We get jobs. We get married. We have babies. They go to school. They get jobs. They get married. Continuous cycle. It’s scary!
Turning 22 last month was shocking. I understand that I’m not old, but I am probably a quarter of the way through my life. And I spent it primarily in a desk. At a school. Which is why I’m scared right now to see what my last three quarters will hold.
Will I go to grad school? Will I be successful in the film industry? Will I have kids? If so, will I be a good mom? Will I travel? Where will I live? What will I do? What is going to happen?