Moving Muddle

It feels like the first day of January, or the last day of school, but I can’t decide which. My barista hours are over, and all that’s left to do is pick my dad up from the airport and zip my luggage. Goodbye L.A.

There aren’t nerves this time around. I was expecting so much more anxiety, but I’m oddly excited. I’m eager. Ready to take on a new state.

I’m expecting criticism, or pity. People may think that Los Angeles was hard on me, and that I’m disappointed in myself. I’m trying hard to not overanalyze. I’m trying to plan ahead rather than dwell where I can’t change things. I don’t want to have to justify and defend my decisions.

Since high school, I’ve explored southern Missouri and upstate New York along Lake Ontario. Spent weekends in Chicago. I’ve traveled through Utah and Nevada to drop down in Los Angeles. From East Coast to West Coast, and now back East. I have gone to places I’ve only seen pictures of. My life is enriched with deep friendships, new cities, and everything unknown between me and Lincoln, Nebraska.

I’ve never known the feeling of staying put. I’m curious and I like feeling free. Like feathers gracefully floating through the air, I twist and sway without restraint. I go where I am taken. I go where I want to be. There is never any saying on how long I’ll be staying, but I’m young and I’m not tied to anything as of yet.

Reading articles that criticize millennials. I match the criteria very loosely. I am just a freeform liberal who wants a job but doesn’t want to settle down until I’ve seen it all. Maybe that’s lazy, but maybe I’m trying to enjoy this life I’ve been given, rather than work my bones til death. I’ll rest when my career trumps my desire to continue searching.

I want to have these stories and experiences to tell my kids someday. At the very least I want to be able to show my siblings and cousins that they can try and find satisfaction outside of their little midwestern bubble. I don’t want to say I graduated college and then had a baby. I want to showcase risk and travel and failure and curiosity and going after whatever I think that I want. I want to live my life outside the restriction of an academic school year before I take on an 18-year project. I want to live my life as I see it fit to be lived.

There is room for grad school in my future, and maybe Europe, but who knows? I want to make art and meet more people. I desire so much more than a steady career. Moving from Lincoln to Oswego to Los Angeles to Atlanta is so liberating. All this travel. All of the miles put on my little blue Passat. My eyes are so lucky to have taken in everything that they have.

Moving creates anxiety and nerves. But as a 23 year old ADULT, who seeks advice rather than permission now, there are no nerves for me. All there is within me is a fire. I’m running to my next destination with intrigue. I feel good about this.

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